Review 6. The Boiled Egg Topper

What a quality piece of kit!

I have just unwrapped my new Boiled Egg Topper and am surveying it from all sides, as it lies there glistening in a shiny plastic way.

As usual, I rummage around the cast off packing looking for an instruction book (without success) only to discover that the instructions are printed on the base of the Topper, now that is what I call class (These Chinese can teach us a thing or two you know).

But does it work?

Now I am not the type to fail because I didn't attempt to prepare, and knowing that the post arrives between 7 and 8am I had a series of saucepans (containing boiling water and eggs) on the go - with staggered start times to enable me to have two eggs ready for this very moment. (I can sense you are impressed)

Rather tiresomely the post did not arrive until 9:18am this morning and my eggs are all cooked, cooled off, and impatient.

Still, undeterred, I place one of the earlier cooked eggs into the Topper and smile with anticipation

I turn the Topper upside down to peruse the printed instructions and the egg falls out on to the floor - making a bit of a mess.

Now nobody can call me stupid, and I am certainly not going to fall for that one again, so I look around for some Sellotape to hold the Egg in place whilst I turn it upside down to read the instructions. (smart eh!)

So with the egg securely taped into place I turn the Topper upside down again to peruse the printed instructions - only to be shocked to find that the Sellotape is not strong enough to hold the egg on place (the egg falls out on to the floor - making a bit more of a mess).

Hmmmm!

I think it best to read, and then write down on a separate sheet of paper, the instructions before putting the egg in.

The instructions are as follows:

1. Place Egg in Egg Cup
2. Hover Topper over top of Egg
3. Squeeze both handles together
4. Eat Egg in responsible manner

(It works a bit like a nut cracker)

So here goes!

1. The Egg sits in its Egg Cup (my Egg Cup has a picture of Peter Rabbit on it)
2. I squeeze the handles together tentively
3. I squeeze the handles a bit harder
4. I squeeze the handles until a few droplets of sweat appear on my forehead
5. I squeeze the handles harder still until they break off in my hand

You can image my indignation.

I am not having that, so start working myself up into a belligerent state

After cooling down I start thinking about how I can reclaim my £1.49 and pick the Guarantee Card out of the rubbish bin for inspection.

Unfortunately it is written in Chinese and the only three words I could decipher were Sellotape Invalidate Warranty - what bad luck I think.

Test Result:

It's not much good, and I probably will not buy a replacement

Next Up:

An automatic potatoe peeler (I have to save up for this one so I'll be back in about 2 months)

Review 5. The Banana Tube

The simplicity of some clever people's inventions never fails to amaze me.

I have just opened the post and there it sits, all yellow and bent, my new plastic banana case.

Now, although I don't normally eat Banana's, I just could not resist a gadget designed solely to transport a banana to work in a safe manner.

It even looks like a Banana.

The case is hinged along it's length and opens easily, creating two half banana shaped cavities that will clamp shut over your Banana ... I can't wait to try it out.

Unfortunately I don't have any Banana's (I don't normally eat them) so I rush off down to my local Tesco's and buy enough for a week.

By now I am almost trembling with excitement but retain a certain sense of control and decide to prepare my working lunch Banana,s before trying them out in the gadget.

I find an black felt pen and write the day of the week on each Banana's skin and then arranged them in day order in my fruit bowl.

It is then I discovered my first mistake (I only work 5 days a week and have brought 7 Banana's) - so I scoff Saturday and Sunday quickly in case my wife thinks I'm stupid.

I am afraid I just could not wait until Monday morning to try out the Banana Tube so I pick Monday out of the fruit bowl with one hand and deftly flip open the Banana Tube with the other (I had been practising) (And yes, I was watching in the mirror as I did it)

Now I thought it was unlucky to have started with a Banana that was not exactly the same shape as the tube ... and the tube's lid would not shut without splitting open the Banana skin.

I was starting to feel a little concerned when I had the same trouble with Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Friday, rather cruelly, gave me a sense of optimism as it appeared to be the exact shape ... but it was about two inches to long.

I now wish I hadn't eaten Saturday and Sunday earlier.

Just bad luck I think so off to Tesco it go, Banana Tube in Pocket, to find a set of 5 Work Lunch Banana's that fit.

I felt a little self conscious walking through to the veg dept, as I was getting a lot of strange looks from the lady's, but undeterred I wip the Banana Tube out of my pocket and start searching.

After searching their entire stock of Banana's without success I demand to see the manager (Who after a severe dressing down from me, informs me I am not the only prat that has bought one of these - he had seen someone with one about 8 years ago)

I decide to go home and ask my wife if she can find, iron, and gently place the cloak of disappointment around my shoulders.


Test Result:

It might work if you can find a banana that is exactly the same size and shape

Next up! ... A "boiled egg topper" ... no more mess opening up a boiled egg? (it's on order, I couldn't afford the express postage charge though)

Review 4. The Bacon Browning Plate

Who doesn't like a bacon sarnie?

And in my humble opinion, anything that can speed up the production of such a delicacy must be tried and tested.

And should this be simple or what! ... layout your rashers on a plate, wack 'em in the microwave, and 20 seconds later remove two rashers of perfectly cooked bacon and slide them between two slices of bread and butter, with a generous dollop of HP.

Well I could not resist having a go at this, send off my £3.99, and wait with anticipation.

*** 2 days later ***

I am slightly concerned that my new BACON BROWNING PLATE does not seem to be any different to any other plate I own, but I guess it must have some special coating to make it work.

I am stunned to find that it comes with instructions, and dissapointed that it recommends washing it before use ... I can't be bothered to wait for that and, by sleight of hand, 2 rashers of Unsmoked Back are soon laying there in all there glory.

Reading the instructions I decide to go for "super crispy", place the plate into the microwave, set at 800w for 30 seconds, and wander off to find some HP sauce whilst the plate works its magic.

DING! - the sound I have been waiting two days to here, and I am almost quivering with anticipation.

The Microwave door swings open half way (it always was a tease), and the smell of bacon wafts out into the kitchen ... so did it work?

Test Result:

If this bacon is crispy my aunt is the queens cousin!

The cloak of dissapointment sits heavily around my shoulders.

Laying there as limp as a faggot's chuff I drown the bacon in HP and cover carefully with the other slice, say three Hail Mary's and allow it to side slowly into the bin.

But never mind ... I am on the trail of a plastic tube that keeps a bananna fresh (have you ever heard of a better idea).

Review 3. The Window De-Mister

The Window De-Mister … save electricity by never having to use your cooker hood again

What a blinding idea! – How many times have you stood in the kitchen and despaired about the misted up state of your windows.

This magical fluid has been developed to simply wipe over your kitchen window (when not misted up) and that’s it – no more mist, I simply can’t wait to have a go.

I have to say though … I was a little disappointed with the size of the bottle when it arrived, although this brilliant invention was only £2.99 a quick calculation reveals that it works out at £437 per gallon – but that must surely mean the product must be good.

In order to test this product on a completely un-misted window I get up at 4 o’clock in the morning (To be honest I couldn’t wait any longer).

So, with the open bottle in one hand and a soft cloth in the other I get to work, starting with a cunning broad sweep from left to right, followed up with a violent circular rubbing motion all over the window.

Now I know the label told me I had to buff the window until the fluid was invisible but at 8 o’clock I had to start breakfast for the family (I thought I could finish off the buffing up afterwards).

It was a miserable cold breakfast as I didn’t dare getting any bacon and eggs on until the window was finished.

Still suitably refreshed I get back to the buffing, although after another 53 minutes the novelty is starting to wear off.

I never have really stopped the buffing, and I tend to go back to it every few hours or so because I am sure that this product will work (a product that costs about 100 times the cost of Petrol must have been tested extensively).

Test Result

Because I have not finished the test I cannot really comment at this stage, although I have to say the circular misted patterns on my kitchen window are nicer to look at than the boring plain mist.

I will continue with the buffing, but a leaflet has dropped through the letter box this morning packed full of kitchen gadgets, and I don’t believe it, you can now buy a special plate that cooks bacon properly in the microwave ... I'll be looking in to this after our summer holiday, see you soon

Review 2. The Potato Chipper

The Potato Chipper … put your local chippy out of business with this remarkable tool

After the last disappointment what can go wrong with this little smasher.

It’s small, chrome plated,  has matching white plastic handles at either side, and is actually a rather attractive specimen in a rugged sort of way … all of which makes it a complete steal at only £1.99 (I could barely stop myself buying three)

Can you remember the last time you tasted home made chips?

Again it is rather disappointing to find no detailed operating instructions – but it looks pretty simple, and should work as follows:

1. Peel Potato


2. Place Potato on to a chopping board


3. Take a firm grip of the chipper with both hands


4. Hold centrally over the Potato


5. Push down sharply


6. Stand back and admire freshly cut chips

Well I have to tell you … I am almost beside myself with excitement, so here we go!

As I push down on to the offending spud I can’t help thinking it’s more difficult than you would think – so I increase the pressure a little more, and then a little more, and end up leaning with my full body wait on to the chipper to force it through the potato.

Now … I have to say it did eventually penetrate the little veggie item, but the force I was exerting made my slip forward and I gouged a ten centimetre lump out of the kitchen worktop … oops!

I stand back and survey the scene – One chopping board with eight slightly misshapen chips on it, one damaged worktop, I wonder which will impress the wife more?

It did cut 8 new chips (I didn’t cook any of them – after extracting four of them from where the wife had shoved them, they had lost their appeal ... and shape

It did cost me £350 to have the worktop replaced, and I was astonished to find the makers of the Potato Chipper were not going to reimburse me in any way for this money

Test Result
I now see why McCain’s were invented

But don’t lose heart, when I was out last week I spotted something that stops your kitchen window misting up – now that has got to be a great idea

Review 1. The Gateaux Wedge Slicer

The Gateaux Wedge Slicer … cut a perfect slice of gateaux and impress your friends and family.

What a little beauty … brilliant in its conception, made of best quality plastic, dishwasher safe, a complete bargain at £1.99.

Just how clever do you have to be to invent something so fiendishly simple?

In honour of the first review I have purchased a rather tasty looking Raspberry Gateaux that doesn’t need defrosting … cost me £3.99 so it better be good!

Now … I have to confess the real reason for buying the Wedge Slicer was not just to put it through its paces, but it looks as though it cuts a bigger slice of gateaux than the wife normally gives me.

So on with the test

I rip the Wedge Slicer from its rather common packaging and scrabble about for the instructions (why am I surprised there are none) but not to worry, it can’t be that difficult to use … even for a lefty.

I decide to make up my own instructions, as follows:

1. Hover Plastic Wedge Shaped Slicer over gateaux


2. Push down


3. Lift up


4. Position over plate


5. Allow perfectly cut wedge to settle on plate


6. Devour immediately

Oh … the anticipation!

Get on with it you plonker I here you cry … so with the Wedge Slicer hovering above the bit with the most raspberry’s on top I strike a sharp downward blow.

Now as I watch the Gateaux disintegrate in front of my very eye’s my mind races

• Surely the prat that invented this actually tested it?


• Is this table cloth washable?


• Why doesn’t the cat like Raspberry’s?


• Will a look of scorn pass across the wife’s face?


• If I clean it up will someone buy it on Ebay?


• Is it still worth carrying out the dishwasher test?

So does the Gateaux Wedge Slicer cut the mustard, or has the cloak of disappointment been wrapped around my shoulders?

Test Result
It doesn’t work very well

Next Up
Something that is supposed to slice a potato into chips in seconds !!!!

Welcome to the Blog

Don’t you just love ‘em … kitchen gadgets?

We can’t help ourselves, one of those small little catalogues drops through the letter box and you just have to thumb through it … don’t you?

We smile as we ponder what our mates would think as we flick innocently through page after page of other peoples brainwave’s, but then the jaw drops as we discover the latest, simplest, brilliantly ingenious item that we simply must try!

Now “try” is the culprit here, because needing the item runs a poor second to actually trying it … to see if it works!

But will this little beauty (probably priced at £4.99) cut the mustard, or will it wrap the cloak of disappointment around your shoulders?

Well have no fear, I intend dedicating my life to the pursuit of kitchen gadgets that work … starting with the magnificent Gateaux Wedge Slice (but first I must go out and buy a gateaux – something with Raspberry’s and Cream I think).

See you soon with the test result.